Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Addison Jane

I'm staring at a blinking cursor, willing something to come out.  Something that will express what it is in me.  But for the last several months I hear nothing but crickets chirping.  I want to write and have it flow out onto the page in beautifully expressed language that makes Shakespeare look like a 5 year old learning to spell.  Not every post can be as expertly crafted as "Smoothies and Self Esteem." {do you have the rimshot ap? Now would be a good time to use it, I'll "bu dum chhhh" for those of you who don't}

All that comes is that this last year has been one of the hardest of my entire life.  Second only to the year I lost my son.  Its been extremely painful and heartbreaking. I have been challenged in ways that I never dreamed would happen.  But all along the way, God has held me through it.  I know this.  Its not just some sweet platitude that Christians like to utter every now and then.  There is sweet grace and comfort in the invisible arms of our Savior.  It sounds Hallmark-ish but its so, so true.

This year has yielded so much, good and bad.  Heartbreak, failure, friendship, trust, more heartbreak, more friendship, love, different heartbreak and then more love. 
Love from my husband.  Who is an extraordinary man.  {I do not use that word lightly}
Love from my children.  Pure, blessed, innocent, trusting, secure little beings who have yet to have the evil and pain of the world touch them.

Its so hard not to despair when you are joining in the fight against Sex Trafficking and the fight to rescue orphans.  Its so big and so overwhelming.  And so painful.  When I hear about mothers who murder their own children, I just about want to give up.
Its so hard not to despair when you have broken relationships that tear at your very soul.

So yesterday, as I felt my self slipping and sliding into a pit of despair right out of The Princess Bride, my little girl rescued me for the second time in her life.  And if that wasn't God's hand on me, then I don't know what is.  After my third pregnancy ended in tragedy, Addison Jane was given to me.  Her birth was a gift.  She brought me out of a dark place that I could not get out of on my own.  Her life was a gift from God on its own, but she was, and still is just about the sweetest little girl you will ever come across.  She has these eyes that no words I could write will ever do justice to.  Addison loves.  Addison brings happiness into our world.  Not that her sisters and brother aren't equally loved and cherished, but if you know her, and even her big sisters will attest to.... there is just something about her, that is undefinable.  Our family was hurting and Addison filled our hole.

Back to yesterday.  I was so overwhelmed.  Feeling unworthy, unprepared, unequipped, and hurting over things that I don't know how to fix.  My  4 year old Addison crawls up into my lap and tells me how she was afraid the day before, when I was away from her for the day.  She was worried that I would die before I was supposed to.  She tells me how she needs her Mommy with her.  And with those simple words, God brought beauty and happiness back into the world again.   I told her how I am not afraid of dying.  How I know that I will be in Heaven with Jesus, because I have already been given that free gift.  And she said she wanted that too.  Addison Jane prayed and received her gift yesterday. You can bet the Lord and his angels are rejoicing because no one could ever get enough of Addison Jane.

I love my children. I love my God.  I learned it from my mom and dad.  Hopefully, I can pass that legacy on to my daughters and son too.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for making me cry! No matter what you think - you write beautifully, and I love reading your blog. Congratulations on Addison's decision - she can know the truth because you and Alex model it for her. Jesus and the angels are rejoicing with you - and so am I! Love you.