Thursday, October 24, 2013

Lets Be Real

People have started to hear about our decision to move our family to El Salvador.
I've gotten really sweet comments and everyone has been really supportive.  But for the sake of clarity, I want you to know that we are not impressive.  We aren't anything special. 

The only special thing about us is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Only that.

I get mad.  I lose my temper. I say things that I regret.  I do a lot of asking forgiveness. I'm selfish.

We don't deserve or want to be on any kind of pedestal. This, all of this, is for only God's glory. Never ours.

I am sometimes deep in the muck of fear.  This is scary.  Leaving my nice comfy life is scary. I almost asked for a paper bag to breathe into when I handed my kids passport applications over. In two days we are starting the purge/store/pack process and I kind of want to throw up thinking about it.

And sometimes I am overwhelmed with excitement.  Because I have experienced miracles while giving myself over to God's will in La Libertad and I cannot wait to have much more of that! I have held tiny little faces in my hands, and had children wearing tatters hug me with all their might.  I want more of that. 

Yes we are sacrificing some first world comforts. We are going with pretty much whatever we can cram in 12 suitcases. My humanity kicks in sometimes and I try and figure a way to have my Kitchenaid mixer as my "lap child."  I'm giving up my dishwasher, but I will be training up 4 little dishwashing experts!  Many things will be left behind, but don't applaud my supposed bravery.  Don't believe for a second that I won't have some serious whiny moments about it.

I'm sitting here by my husband, writing a missionary support letter and wondering how in the blazes did I get here??? What on EARTH?!!!  I feel like I'm pretending to be someone much stronger and much more worthy. That one day I will wake up and this will all have been a crazy dream.

I am no one.  Why did he choose us? I'm left wondering many, many, many things. Are those really our words on the screen? 

What I do know is, I am Esther living inside the gate.  This post from Ann Voskamp is something that I will never, ever, as long as I live, forget.  It is truth.  Truth!!  Please do not go one more day without reading it. 

"You are where you are for such a time as this – not to gain anything — but to risk everything.
You are where you are for such a time as this — not to make an impression — but to make a difference." - Ann Voskamp

It is exactly why even though I have moments of terror about our decision, I will not change or go back. I just can't.

I also know that I have believed in God nearly my entire life. But now I want to trust.  I want to trust that the God who says he will be faithful, will indeed do what He promises. I either trust God, or I don't. No more trusting in our own abilities, our savings, our salaries and 401-k's.

I'm going to fail at this trust thing. But I will have someone remind me of my resolve, and the promises He gave, and we will all be ok.

We're just going to do it, because He said to.

You are Esther too. I can point you in some really great directions to live radically also. Please ask me!

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