Friday, September 26, 2008

How did I get here? Wait, I know how....Alex

In high school I had a definite plan for my life. I was driven, had serious goals, and some where a long the line things changed. I got swept away by an awesome love, we inadvertantly got pregnant and then I never stopped getting pregnant. 4 kids later I am wondering..... just where did Mari go? I know where Mama Mari is. 90% of the time I she is extremely content in her role and job as a stay at home mother. But there is another Mari inside me that still wants to be out there in the adult world, finishing her degree, getting a job. I look at friends I had from school who are lawyers and doctors and nurses etc. and I get envious. But just maybe..... are they envious of me??? Perhaps the grass is always greener.

Here's my grass: I have the love of my life, found him early and I'm not out there searching. I have amazingly beautiful children who I love with every beat of my heart. My husband supports us nicely. I get to stay home with my children which I do not take for granted.

Here's "their" grass: Responsilbility free life, go to a movie/concert/restaurant/ball game/another country, whenever they feel like it. Satisfaction of a college degree and career to go along with it. It seems like such an adventure.

I don't know how to meld the two Mari's into one. I want to be here for my children. It was torture sending Izzy away from me to school all day. I get the other girls' kisses all day and see their dances to any little tune. This priveledge I am not willing to give to anyone else. But the intellectual side of me is struggling. When I first met Alex he was really impressed with my drive, my accomplishments academically etc. and I am afraid that as the years go on he sees me less and less this way. He likes to tease me about being an airhead and I don't know quite when it started. Yes he thinks I'm a great wife and great mom, but I have a brain in my head too. Its true that stay at home moms are thought of as less intellectually. I'm not trying to toot my horn, but I did really well in high school and my one year of college, and even when I got my associates online I did really well. Its something my parents instilled in me, the desire to learn and achieve, so to now be looked down on is really a stab in my heart for all the years of really concentrated effort I put into school. Alex would never admit that he doesn't see me as very smart any more, but I think deep down he doesn't and it hurts.

I just don't know what to do about it. I was finally getting to a point where my kids were getting older and before God handed me my surprise son, I was headed back to school this Fall. Now I am starting all over again with another helpless little newborn that I am going to want to fully devote myself to. I'm a good 3 or 4 years away from being able to pursue my degree again without giving up the essential early years with my new baby. I'm so torn in two directions.... I've been praying for contentment in where I live for years, an now I'm working on peace in where I am in my life.

Did you make it thru my book?

1 comment:

  1. I would probably guess that over 60 or 70% of moms feel somewhat the same way that you do. Of course there are moms that never WANTED all that other stuff, they were "born to be a mama" and they feel whole and content in that role.

    However, there are many many moms who started out with a college degree and dreams of working at a certain job or traveling the world (oh wait, that's me) or just plain having FREEDOM to explore some of those dreams and desires.

    Let's face it. Our kids are phenomenal, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and full of love. But they are still a responsibility that we will have for the rest of our lives. And in order to go after some of those dreams we had "BC" (Before Children) we WILL have to make sacrifices. And that's a hard balance.

    Me, I dream of going back to Haiti every day. And I've had the opportunity 3 times now. And all 3 times I've had to turn it down at the last minute because of my family. I'm having to learn about GOD'S will VS. MY desires. And that's hard.

    So what you're feeling isn't uncommon Mari. In fact I think it's WAY more common than moms let on. I mean, we moms want the world to know that we LOVE what we do and we LOVE where we are in life. Voicing any other desires could possibly make people question just how much we love our kids. But it doesn't work that way. We CAN love our kids more than anything in the world and still have our dreams.

    And I'm confident that you'll be able to chase after some of those dreams. And I know you'll be successful as a mom AND in whatever you choose to do. Being a mom isn't who we are.

    It's a PART of who we are, and a part that makes us amazing. But it isn't ALL we are. And it's ok to recognize that.

    You're amazing Mari - and Alex is blessed to have you as his wife and the mother of his kids :-)