Monday, May 3, 2010


There are times that life stops you in your place.
When you have to pause and forget that the laundry is rivaling Mt. Kilimanjaro.
Forget that perhaps you haven't washed the tub (not counting baths and showers, and No Alex my dear husband, tubs are not self cleaning)....for a few weeks.
Forget that only half of the lawn is mowed.
The vacuum is still sitting in the den and there are about 20 things just lying around in the dining room that don't remotely belong there.
There will still be bills, still be heartache, still be studying for finals and there will most definitely ALWAYS be dirty dishes.
But there also will be a moment that will take you completely off gaurd. A moment when none of the above really exists in your world. A moment that completely robs you of breath, gives you tears and ridiculous looking smile at the same time.
I had that moment today. And it may seem silly, but my moment was staring at my son in his car seat after he received his first ever professional hair cut!
You see, I thought I wasn't meant to have a son. I lost my first son early in a pregnancy and never wanted another. I knew that most people would never know he existed, would forget that I was ever pregnant for that brief time, and forever in my heart I would respond to the question, "how many kids do you have?" with 5, even when the word coming out of my mouth is 4. Before Donovan entered our lives, Alex and I were planning the end to our child bearing, considering the safe options to prevent it. We were ecstaticly happy with our three daughters, it was safe,
comfortable, a good number for us. We thought we were complete. But once again, God had other plans for us. I've never had to deal with the heartbreak of infertility. If there is a one in a million chance that a woman will get pregnant.... I'm that pesky number one. So getting pregnant with Donovan was a shocker. A difficult shocker. As I mentioned, I did not want anymore kids, and I certainly didn't want a boy. I knew from the moment I looked at that pregnancy test that it was a boy. Knew it in the depths of my soul. I never had one doubt. The truth of it rocked my world.

But when Donovan arrived....oh my. I would not be so arrogant to say that there was never a more loved baby boy by his mother than Donovan, but really....I've got to at least come close. He is someone life changing for me. Gives me a joy that I didn't know I was capable of. I'm struggling with him going from baby to toddler just as hard as he is pulling away for me to give him a little room. And today, he went from looking like a baby to fully embodying his knick-name "little man. " I think he must have somehow known that something as simple and normal as a haircut would be hard on me, so he cried to make me feel better. And cried. And clutched onto me, like I was his lifeline.
He buried his face in my chest, stared into my eyes, as his hair was ever so gently cut away with a look that said, "Don't leave me Mommy." And then when it was all over, and we were back in the car. All I could do was take in the moment. A silly, haircutting moment. I was frozen and couldn't move. Because sometimes, I am so overcome with sappy, nauseating, over the top, smothering, heart-wrenching, love for my child and everything that he means to me.

Which by the way, all of those words up there. The ones you just barely held onto your latest meals through reading because it was so sugary and gooey.... all of those words do not even do it justice. My moment was the huge grin my fantastic son gave me, with his newly acquired "big boy" hair that makes him looks so different, but still my Donovan through and through.


  1. He looks so cute! I still think Ki looks bigger almost every time he gets a hair cut. (Also, I haven't forgotten your sweet baby boy.)

  2. Not sugary and gooey at all - but very, very true. I love my boys, too. They are so different, so special, and, unfortunately, so independent! I love when they cling, too.