Start Again

When I moved to El Salvador I really thought I was going to be writing ALL the time.  I had big huge aspirations of writing beautiful words, accompanied by fabulous meaningful photos, that would make you feel all the things.....Life just doesn't quite happen like you think it might. For me, writing got pushed to the corner.  I have a lot of reasons for stopping, but a good friend I've had since the 7th grade, told me to just write. It can be scary and overwhelming, but that's not a reason to stop.

I just looked at my last post date and it was in October y'all. So it got me to thinking about this little old blog of mine.  Its gone through quite an evolution.  I started out "journaling" and keeping long distance friends and family up to date with my babies.  

Then I went through a phase of recipe blogging. Included in this was party planning ideas for families on a budget, and how to make special traditions and memories.  I am not kidding you when I tell you I have a draft sitting in my bank of writing, solely devoted to 90's music.  Boys II Men, Mariah Carey, girl bands and boys bands.

Soon after this I became involved in Adoption and Orphan advocacy.  Fundraising for friends' adoptions and starting orphan and foster care ministry at my church became a focus and I started attending seminars, holding planning meetings and going to the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit every year.  (Really going to miss going to Orlando this year!) I met so many incredible people and made great connections.  

As my writing drifted away from my family and more towards social justice, I began to creep towards a journey that would forever change me too.  An enormous life change happened and we moved to El Salvador. We worked with the local church on sharing Jesus, and community development to combat that severe poverty, gangs and lack of hope. Writing was pushed aside for a number of complicated reasons.   This brings us to today. 

As you can see, if you have stuck with me through all of that time, I've added ring, upon ring, upon ring to my tree of life. And I'm not even done yet.  God is not done with me yet.  I'm working on adding another ring, that is big and bad and scary.... and essential.

I'm really hoping to resurrect this blog, but for me that involves fear.  And insecurity. Why would people care about what I have to say?   What do I even have to say?  For a writer, its  kind of like putting a piece of art in a museum that no one stops to look at.  Then I saw this quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald on Pinterest:

 

 

And my favorite fan is my Grandpa, so I know he will continue down this path with me.  What else could I possibly need? Plus Julie says to go for it :)

So I invite you to come along,  be encouraged, learn something new, meet new people, feel new things, and as always, to Love Like Crazy.

Missionary Kid Life

When we moved to El Salvador, we really had no idea what it would entail for our kids. The impact it would have on them, the sacrifices they would make, or what kind of life they would have here.

There have been many times when I have wondered if we are seriously screwing up our kids. Many days have been a little unfair. Many days they are left out because they don't speak Spanish fluently. Many times they get dragged along, to go to various places. Many experiences they are losing out on in the United States. 

However, many days they have had adventures that they will remember for the rest of their lives. For all of the hard days, there have been people who have loved them, adored them, and gone out of their way to spend time with them. My little caucasian children are so well loved by the people here, and by the visitors. The most incredible thing to watch is the way the people who live here and the visitors always love them in such a genuine, heartfelt manner. No one will ever be able to convince me that the teens and young adults of this world are all selfish, difficult and self involved. Because I have witnessed so many amazing young adults who CHOOSE to serve, choose to love and choose to have fun with my kids, without being asked. 

  

I have one kid who never wants to move away. 

I have one kid who feels like they are in a lose-lose situation now, because in the U.S. are people we love and want to be near. And likewise in El Salvador there are people we love and want to be near (I did explain this is win-win).  

I have one kid who thankfully still wants to be wherever Mommy is!...... okay, I think everyone knows that one is Donovan!

I have one kid who longs for their life in the US, but still says, "How are you and Daddy ever supposed to stop doing this job? You can't!"

When I think of all of things, people, experiences that they have given up to go on this ride with us, what always pops into my head is, what they have gained. 

There have been missions teams who make it a priority to make sure they have a wish list from my kids, so that they can pack an extra suitcase for them! And holy smokes have they been spoiled with favorite snacks from home.  I could have included 50 more pictures, of people we adore right back. 

So I just want to send out a gigantic thank you!!  Its hard to be an MK. Really hard. So thank you, to all of the people who have loved on, cared about, laughed with, wrestled, tickled, sang with, made them a priority, sent a care package and hugged them. You have helped to make a very different life, more Okay-ish and even wonderful!

Esperanza Sewing Project Update and the Best Tuesday Ever

If you walked into the sewing room at Iglesia Gran Commission last week, you might have seen fabric strewn about.

You would have noted the threads on the ground interspersed with discarded scraps of fabric.

You definitely would have seen chairs askew, scissors misplaced and bolts of fabric on the cutting table, not nicely folded.

But let me tell you a little bit about what I saw (before I cleaned it up).

I see opportunity. I see the chairs where Gaby, Kimberly and Leslie worked so hard to make extra scarves and some special orders two days last week. I see where Sylvia was sitting, smiling and sewing with precision.

I see all of the donated machines, and the donated fabric, buttons, thread and so much more.... that makes me smile so huge.

Once in a while, I get to be a part of something so completely amazing.

Last January, I told you about an idea... to find our girls in La Libertad a way to go to the University someday. 

In less than 48 hours you fully funded our Sewing School. 

In March, 6 girls earned 1 month of tuition each by sewing infinity scarves and selling them to a church women's ministry in Toledo, Ohio. 

In June, they sold more scarves to visiting short term missions teams. I haven't done the math yet, but it was about 20 more scarves. 

In September they have an opportunity to fill an order for another church in the U.S. 

Last week I shared with them what had been put into the account for them, and their jaws dropped. And oh the smiles and looks of increduality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because of your generosity, a local woman and member of our church is earning a little bit of money to teach our girls important sewing skills. 

But Tuesday was one of the very best days ever in ministry. All along, the idea has not just been for the girls of our Development Center to be able to go to college, but also to minister to the women in our community as well. 

Tuesday I invited a woman I know, to come in and learn to sew bed sheets for the bed donation ministry. In a nutshell, people from anywhere, can donate the funds for a bed. In that bed donation is the money for the materials to build a cedar bed, a mattress, pillow, sheets, small stipend to a local we trained to make the beds, and a small stipend to someone we train to sew the sheets. 

Yes, we could go to a store in San Salvador and buy sheets and pillow cases. We could also buy a bed. But we want to help more people than just the bed recipient. We want to hire three people in the process :) 

So Tuesday arrives, I have a game plan. I made a list of words I would need to know to teach her sewing skills. (p.s. Senora Clifford of year 4 Spanish... my education in did NOT include sewing terms, you might want to consider adding it to the curriculum). 

I am all prepared to teach her basics and maybe get to the fabric later on in the afternoon. She comes in, and after I briefly introduce her to our machine, I take her over to the cutting table to show how I cut, and pin the fabric.  

She asks me if the pinning process is really necessary. I say yes. 

She asks for a scrap of fabric to try out the machine. I say yes. 

She expertly folds and doubles the fabric to create a beautiful hem..... as she guides it through the machine.

I think "so when you say you've sewn a little in the past, what you really meant was I'm an expert seamstress and I'm about to knock your socks off."

So I worked on some fabric cutting, and she commenced sewing.... for 5 hours. I forced her to take a break for lunch. By the end of the time she had sewn 9 sheets and 7 pillow cases. 

In one day at her regular job, she makes $7/day. For 12 hours of work.  In 5 hours of sewing, and because we pay per item, she earned $45. And she was proud. I oooohhhhed and awwwwedddd and gushed over her meticulous work and then I took her to Pastor Giovanni to tell him, and gushed to him about her. 

I cannot even begin to tell you all of the feelings about seeing her face and her pride in her work that day.   

When you sponsor a child here, or you sponsor a bed, you are not just feeding a child. You are not just  putting a person into a bed off a floor. Those 2 things alone are HUGE!!! But you are also creating opportunity for God to do abundantly more with your sacrificial gift.   Having a child in our program means them learning skills to help them earn a college education.  Having a bed donation means hiring 3 local people who desperately need a good, fair job. That is what your gift does. That is what God accepts and stretches and grows, and molds  into His ultimate plan. 

And as Alex would say "How the hickity heck do we beat that?!"

Oh, and that incredible woman who will return Saturday to do more fulfilling, well paid work? Her sweet daughters received beds last week! So there is that too :) 

Its Complicated

Hello to you from El Salvador! I didn't realize when we moved, that I would write less.... I guess what I didn't factor in was going from being a stay at home mom/wife, to being a part time employee and full time teacher (homeschool), in addition to still being a wife and mom.

I've had a lot of people ask me recently how we are doing. How are the kids doing? How is it living in another country for almost 18 months now? Are you coming back? Are you staying? Do you miss the United States? 

I don't know that I can ever fully answer these questions. It is nearly impossible to help you understand all the feelings involved in all those questions. 

If I say I miss the United States, that implies that we don't also love it here. 

If I say that it is difficult to live here, that implies that it is easy in the United States. 

If I say the kids are very happy, that doesn't explain just how very complicated it is for their little hearts. 

We were recently having a family meeting to discuss how everyone is doing. And my little Addison put into words what no one else could. It was incredible to me that she could analyze her feelings so succinctly. 

"No matter where we live now, I'm going to be sad. If I live in the U.S. I'm going to be sad for missing our friends here. If we live here, I'm going to miss my friends and family in the U.S." 

We are of course going to try and help her see that it is a win/win, not a lose/lose. For to be loved in multiple countries is a great thing, and not a sad thing. But how do we do that, when we often feel the same way as her???

Here is truth. This isn't an exotic vacation. Its the tropics, and its beautiful, but its hard. Glennon of Momastery uses the word "brutiful." That's what this is. Beautiful and brutal. 

We live every day with the hearts, histories, tragedies and triumphs of people in our hearts and minds. Some things are hard to let go of. So we try to let God be the God of those hard things. Because who can live with all of that in our heads all the time? And at the same time, we desire to have them let us into their hearts and minds, to be able to bear part of their burden for them. To know that someone cares. 

Some days it is as simple as wishing I could just go into Target and find what I need at a reasonable price. Or waking up and thinking, wouldn't some nice, cool, Ohio, Autumn weather be nice right now???? Or wouldn't it be nice not to sweat today?? Or, how amazing would it be to hug my nieces and nephews and have coffee with my grandma today?  I cannot even speak of being in the same room with my siblings and my parents without tears. Or holy Moses what is with these enormous beetles all over our door???!!!! Tarantulas.... there are no words. Don't even get me started on bike rides and libraries with millions of books!! And pretty puhleeeeezzzeee stop posting pictures of your Disney World trip on Facebook! (just kidding we are happy for you and not the least bit jealous... a little). Oh Bath and Body Works how I miss you and your coupons, (I never had a shoe or purse vice, I had B&BW).  And then there is imagining watching Donovan in Little League, or Addison in dance recitals.

As you see, its complicated. Feeling many things, at the same time.  Ha! That all just spilled out suddenly :)   The thing is we live here. This is life right now. So to answer your questions:

The answer, as much as we can figure, is to find the joy. If this is a short season, or a long season of living here then we find the joy. The joy in today. 

*I can think of our friends.  I visited one of my closest friends last night. Just for a bit. She is a gift to me, and her husband is a gift to Alex. Two people that in 13 years of our marriage, we feel closer to, than almost any other people. I love her baby, and she loves my kids, without reservation. I said three times that we had to go home to bed, and she told me 3 times not to say that again and stay.  So to have that in our lives..... 

*The puppy that has been a healing balm for my little girl who struggled with this more than the rest. 

*The daily sunshine. 

*The little boy I gave birth to who is the most hysterical person I've ever met. His facial expressions, booty dances, taunting sisters with nakedness, laughter, schemes, hummed theme songs, teasing his dad, the way he says so many words fantastically wrong... the list goes on and on. Joy.

*Last night it was in the car, "Mom, I have a lot of 'uhspicion' that Layla is going to try and scare me while I'm sleeping tonight."

*When I miss church due to a migraine and I receive 10 texts from people wondering where I was. 

*Pupusas

*Avocados 6 for a dollar. Helloooo guacamole every day. And on a sandwich, and with rice, and with eggs... just yum. 

*Fresh Papaya. 

*Worshiping in Spanish, which always makes me think  of Heaven where we will all worship in different languages.

*The adorable little boy Christopher, who just giggled uncontrollably in my arms as I picked him up and swung him around. 

*Friends on missions team coming to serve and visit. And insist on me giving them a wish list for my family.

*The girl in our sewing program who used to be angry all the time, but now she is smiling all the time. She is incredibly proud of her sewing accomplishments, and I am even more proud of her. 

*All of the beds going out to families who may be sleeping on the ground. 

*Tiny little people who right this very minute are eating a plate full of healthy, delicious food!

*Hugs from  tiny people who yell "Mari!!!!" when I come into the nutrition center.

So I don't have the answers. Not short ones anyway. I don't know when we are coming back. I don't even know how I feel from 1 minute to the next. But I do know about joy. 

Long Awaited Conclusion to Car Adventure

Imagine with me if you will Mario Kart.  Or, if you haven’t played Mario Kart, picture any arcade driving game.

(google image)

This is driving in the Santa Tecla/San Salvador area…. With New York City traffic.  Where in, most of the traffic is gigantic school/public bus transportation, barreling at you from all directions.

There are round-a-abouts, merging traffic, on ramps, off ramps and nary a stop light (we saw one or 2).

Mario Cart.

(google image)

If you are following, then imagine yourself doing this all day……

Evelin and I had but one option, to laugh about many things. At one point we threatened Alex’s life if we did not come home with a car that day. In addition, if we didn’t get to the fun stuff of looking at houses, then he would also be in serious danger. Because we women, had only come along for the ride at the promise of browsing homes.

As if Alex had any control over the situation.

Now, since most of you have never been here, I just need to clarify that the used car lots we were looking at were not laid out like a car lot you are accustomed to seeing.  There is a lack of parking or open space at all, so the cars at the lots and the mechanics we visited were parked a bit like this:

(google image)

If you want to see something, or park, then there are approximately 6 other cars that have to be maneuvered first.

Please don’t misunderstand my intent with writing this. El Salvador is different, and I simply want you to be able to visualize. Different is not good, bad, wrong or right. It’s just different.

And we had quite the hilarious (different) experience… because after our 4 or 5^th hour of doing this chase around the city… Evaristo (our friend and driver) took matters into his own hands.

When we reached another round about, going over the same ground…. We were stopped in traffic and I watch as he rolls the passenger window down and starts to frantically wave at a driver of a 9 passenger van next to us.

I smile and wave thinking Evaristo knows this particular man, because he is also quickly speaking to me in Spanish (and I have no clue what he is saying).

What is actually going down, and that I catch bits and pieces of, is that Evaristo is now trying to buy the guy’s van from him IF it has air conditioning in the front and back. IF.

While we are stopped in traffic.

“Do You want to sell us your van?”

“How are the tires? The engine? Does the air conditioning work??”

The man in the car chuckles, says the air doesn’t work, and we move along on our way. So Evaristo turns to me and remarks, “the air didn’t work, no sale.”….

Meanwhile I am dumbfounded, laughing hysterically, and have to explain to the rest of the passengers who missed this whole exchange.

I begin fervently praying that God would please, please drop a van into our laps, in our budget.

google image

That became the point in the day where Evaristo was determined to get us a car. I’m fairly certain he couldn’t take one more day of car shopping with us!

If not that, then what happened next proved it.

We swung into a shopping center to wait for Ivo to go get his daughter from school. I remembered that we needed some more water, so my family, Evelin and I went into the grocery store to buy some.  As I stepped out of the van Evaristo chuckled in my general direction, string of heavily accented Spanish (that even the people down here have a hard time understanding), and finally I make out as he is laughing;

“I will find you a van.”  Hahahahah, I smile, I laugh, of course he is joking around. We are in a parking lot.

Midway through checkout, Alex gets a call… from Evaristo. We go out to the parking lot to find that he has stopped a family while getting out of their mini-van and asked them if they would please sell it to us…….

A van with no “for sale” sign on it. Strangers.  Strangers who in fact had just purchased this van a month ago. But the wife says, “Sure.” But not for a penny less than the price we will ask of you. Don’t even think about asking for a lower price.

The price happens to be less than our budget.

So we agree to meet them in the morning at a mechanic. Meanwhile, we have a lead on another van, that a friend of a friend of a brother’s cousin might know about.

 But I have had it. I quit. And I just want to go see what may potentially be our new home. I agree to just send Alex with Ivo and Evaristo the next day, and Que sera sera sera.

We continued on our way to look at a furnished house. In our price range.

With…. Wait for it……… a washer AND dryer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Unheard of. I do not have to wash my family of 6’s clothes by hand!

I would. Lord knows I will roll with the punches adjust, and wash by hand. I will. Scout’s honor.

After all, I live with 2 lizards (I think, there could be more) and poisonous spiders. 

But if I don’t HAVE to wash by hand, in our budget? 

Well then, I am allowed to rejoice about that right?!

Epilogue: the parking lot people called the next morning and had changed their minds. But it’s okay because the lead on the other van panned out, and Alex preserved his life by bringing it home with him the following day. We have now been on 2 successful driving trips, un-escorted around La Libertad. We may brave going into Santa Tecla grocery shopping today.  If we are feeling exorbitantly brave. 

So Stinkin' Cute!!

As of February 1st we will be residents of La Libertad, El Salvador!! The tickets are purchased. The job has been quit. We are really, actually, seriously, moving.

You don't get move to El Salvador in 7 weeks.
You don't get to cook for children, tutor or help to grow a church that serves the very poorest (in money).
You won't be lucky enough to visit and love on the children in the orphanage.
You won't get to embrace the women and children of La Libertad and share in their lives (in person).

We aren't moving, leaving our jobs, leaving our country, giving up our security because we are anything special or  it will make us happy.  We are going because we ARE happy.  We have the gift of Jesus Christ and that makes us happy.  Out of that, is where our decision came from. 

You won't be on that plane with us.  But you can help us. You can partner and support us. And I will diligently share stories from El Salvador.  Stories of the faithfulness of God.  Stories of hope and love and action.

One of the ways to help support us, is by clicking on the tab at the top to be a monthly or one time sponsor. 

The second way is to buy one of our new, incredibly awesome shirts!!!



Buy one or 3 or 4 today!!!  We will be so, so, so, thankful. 

And if you would like to read more about our decision to leave our jobs and move into the mission field you can read about it here: http://marileemarks.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-day-we-walked-away-from-our.html?m=0 and here.

Lets Be Real

People have started to hear about our decision to move our family to El Salvador.
I've gotten really sweet comments and everyone has been really supportive.  But for the sake of clarity, I want you to know that we are not impressive.  We aren't anything special. 

The only special thing about us is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Only that.

I get mad.  I lose my temper. I say things that I regret.  I do a lot of asking forgiveness. I'm selfish.

We don't deserve or want to be on any kind of pedestal. This, all of this, is for only God's glory. Never ours.

I am sometimes deep in the muck of fear.  This is scary.  Leaving my nice comfy life is scary. I almost asked for a paper bag to breathe into when I handed my kids passport applications over. In two days we are starting the purge/store/pack process and I kind of want to throw up thinking about it.

And sometimes I am overwhelmed with excitement.  Because I have experienced miracles while giving myself over to God's will in La Libertad and I cannot wait to have much more of that! I have held tiny little faces in my hands, and had children wearing tatters hug me with all their might.  I want more of that. 

Yes we are sacrificing some first world comforts. We are going with pretty much whatever we can cram in 12 suitcases. My humanity kicks in sometimes and I try and figure a way to have my Kitchenaid mixer as my "lap child."  I'm giving up my dishwasher, but I will be training up 4 little dishwashing experts!  Many things will be left behind, but don't applaud my supposed bravery.  Don't believe for a second that I won't have some serious whiny moments about it.

I'm sitting here by my husband, writing a missionary support letter and wondering how in the blazes did I get here??? What on EARTH?!!!  I feel like I'm pretending to be someone much stronger and much more worthy. That one day I will wake up and this will all have been a crazy dream.

I am no one.  Why did he choose us? I'm left wondering many, many, many things. Are those really our words on the screen? 

What I do know is, I am Esther living inside the gate.  This post from Ann Voskamp is something that I will never, ever, as long as I live, forget.  It is truth.  Truth!!  Please do not go one more day without reading it. 

"You are where you are for such a time as this – not to gain anything — but to risk everything.
You are where you are for such a time as this — not to make an impression — but to make a difference." - Ann Voskamp

It is exactly why even though I have moments of terror about our decision, I will not change or go back. I just can't.

I also know that I have believed in God nearly my entire life. But now I want to trust.  I want to trust that the God who says he will be faithful, will indeed do what He promises. I either trust God, or I don't. No more trusting in our own abilities, our savings, our salaries and 401-k's.

I'm going to fail at this trust thing. But I will have someone remind me of my resolve, and the promises He gave, and we will all be ok.

We're just going to do it, because He said to.

You are Esther too. I can point you in some really great directions to live radically also. Please ask me!

On Dignity and Poverty

It is fitting that this post is my 250th! Its fitting because it is something I deeply care about.

When Alex and I decided to obey and move our family to El Salvador, it was not about doing a good deed. We aren't leaving a comfy corporate job and salary because we are exceptionally good people. Alex and I aren't so naïve to think this is going to be easy.

What we do know, is that the benefit far outweighs the sacrifice.

The men and women that we will get to spend our days and lives with are people that we can learn much from. They are people with so much dignity and grace that it puts many people in this country to shame. 

It is a person with exceeding amounts of dignity that can live in a dirt floor shack and be thankful. To wonder how you will feed your children that day, and yet wake with a smile.  To welcome a stranger into your home, that comes from the "land of plenty" and give up your seat. To give that stranger your meager rations of plantains, her only source of income, and insist that it is a gift.  This is dignity.

Dignity is not reserved for the wealthy.  Dignity is not based upon whether or not you have indoor plumbing.  It isn't even an issue of whether or not you are fully clothed (in El Salvador). Its in the heart and soul.  It is found in abundance in the depths of their deep dark eyes. 

The women I will be living amongst have little to no material goods.  But what they do have is beauty, grace and their dignity.  I know women who have endured horrific circumstances.  Things many of the people I know in Ohio would never even fathom.  But through it all, the majority of the women I've spent time with in La Libertad remain strong.  They press on.

{That pack n' play in the background is one you helped provide!}

I made it a point this last trip to not just be a visitor who was sad for their circumstances.  I didn't want to merely give a meal to someone who might not have otherwise eaten that day.  I didn't want to simply look at their bare feet and provide them a pair.  It was not about looking upon their poverty.  I wanted to know them.  So I spoke to them about cooking, about their beautiful flowers, their children.
Because women are women, no matter if they live in a 3000 sq. foot home in suburban United States, or if they live in a 16x20 dirt floor shack.  We all want to have some beauty in our lives and be complimented.  To be known for more than our circumstances.

"The presence of dignity doesn't mean poverty is absent."- anonymous

 

Likewise the presence of poverty does not mean dignity is absent.

 

There are ways in which we the elite Americans can help. Trust me, if you have a roof over your head, a bed to lie in and food in your fridge, you are the elite.

 

A very simple, oh so easy way to help is by sponsoring a child through Compassion International.  It is only $38 a month.  $38 feeds, clothes, pays school fees, provides medical care and teaches a child about Jesus Christ.  Compassion has gone above and beyond to make it as simple as possible for people to sponsor a child. You can have the money come out automatically.  You can fill in pre-made templates to write letters to your child. You can even pick the age, the country and date of birth if you so choose!

 

Please sponsor a child, or a second or third if you are able.  The entire family of sponsored children are affected by your small monthly gift.  It is truly life changing and they will think of you as family.

 



Sponsor a Child

The Day We Walked Away From Our American Dream

Let me preface this post by telling you that Alex and I are normal, ordinary, run of the mill, human beings. We pay our taxes, and tickle our children.  We fight, we make up, and we love hamburgers.  We drive a mini-van, and mow the lawn.  Plain, ordinary people that are in no way perfect.  Normal, average people who work hard, love our kids, have great friendships and also have relationships that need work. I love Broadway musicals, Alex loves football season.  Our daughters love American Girl books and dolls.  My son daily pretends he is Iron Man..  This is our story, not a judgment on anyone else.  We are Regular people.

For 11 years of marriage now, Alex and I have been pursuing a stereotypical American Dream. Heck, its a life that a lot of the world also dreams of!  We struggled a lot in the early years of our marriage.  So we made dreams, and went after them.  An idea formed in those early years, a career and a salary that Alex pursued.  This dream in our heads consumed our thinking and time.  We wanted certain financial goals, certain cars, activities and lessons for our children, Disney vacations, beautiful designer home.... you name it, we wanted it.  And we went after it with every bit of energy we had.

Halfway through last Spring, as Alex and I were passing each other in the night again, trading off children and running to the next activity, something started to break down in me.  All the time and energy we were putting into doing what we were "supposed" to be doing, I discovered that no one was happy.  Every mom I spoke to at dance practice, was STRESSED.  No one was even content.  All I heard was complaining about having to run everywhere constantly and being exhausted.  And sadly I was feeling the same way.  A question began to surface in me... "Why am I doing this?  Why are we all doing this?"  This family that I love so desperately, and I never get to actually BE with them. It was in those moments that the Holy Spirit really started to work in me.

{source}

We weren't happy because we weren't pursuing what mattered. A life designed around entertaining ourselves didn't bring anything but momentary, short lived happiness.  Certainly not joy.  Joy we find in our kids smiles, and in our marriage.  We could easily find joy when we were worshipping our Savior on Sunday mornings.  This realization, started bringing about changes in the way that we live our lives.  Everything started to change.  Obsessively going after a gorgeous brand new 4 or 5 bedroom house became a distant memory.

And then I read "Kisses From Katie," by Katie Davis.  She so perfectly wrote, exactly what I had been feeling:

"You see, Jesus wrecked my life. For as long as I could remember, I had everything this world says is important.  In high school I was class president, homecoming queen, top of my class. I dated cute boys and wore cute shoes and drove a cute sports car.  I had wonderful supportive parents who so desired my success that hey would have paid for me to go to college anywhere my heart desired. 

But I loved Jesus.

And the fact that I loved Jesus was beginning to interfere with the plans I once had for my life and certainly with the plans others had for me.  My heart had been apprehended by a great love, a love that compelled me to live differently.  I had grown up in a Christian home, gone to church, and learned about Jesus all my life.  Around the age of 12 or 13, I began to delve into the truths of Scripture.  As I read and learned more and more of what Jesus said, I liked the lifestyle I saw around me less and less.  I began to realize that God wanted more from me, and I wanted more of Him."

 

I new exactly why I was feeling this way too.  Four years prior, my heart had been wrecked for a little Central American country.  I had seen extreme poverty and disease.  I had met beautiful, kind, hard working people, who this world has essentially forgotten and left to starve.  El Salvador became a precious place to Alex and I. We love our friends there.  Spending a week there serving, means waking up every single morning, and letting God lead our steps.  It means being utterly powerless, so that anything we accomplish is done solely with credit and glory given to God.

 

We came home from this Summer's trip to La Libertad 100% done with living our lives the way we had been.  We had just spent 7 solid days, fully intoxicated with joy.  Oh if I could only describe to you that kind of peace!! While in El Salvador we had seen real, live miracles happen.  God had taken a group of people with no training, no experience, no special qualifications and HE USED US!  God can do whatever He wants.  Whenever He wants.  But he chose us.  He chose us to be in those moments, at that time, at that place.  He chose to be at work, through us.  Do you have any idea how humbling that is!!!

 

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Alex and I believe in a God that transcends space and time.  We believe that when Jesus was saying his last words to his disciples, the people he was sending out in His place, that the message was not just for them.  {Matthew 28}  We believe that as he spoke to them on that hill top, that we might as well have been kneeling in front of him too.  Its become abundantly clear that our entire lives, Alex and mine, have been building to this point, and this time.  We have both been through stuff.  We've both met and connected with people.  Seriously its a wonder that I ever wound up in Ohio, from being born in Oregon, to meet Alex in a brief year of my parents living here!  Our struggles, triumphs, joys, and heartbreak, have all been building to this moment in time.  He wrecked us in El Salvador, we were brought to our knees at His visible power.

 

It is with this knowledge, that we will be moving our family to El Salvador.  We aren't special.  We didn't have a mystical moment where God sent an angel to give us a special "calling."  He did however put a very clear directive and command into both of our hearts and minds.  And that was to go.  We haven't been "called."  We have been asked to obey.  Our only option is to say yes. Its the only way.  That life, filled with peace and joy that we've been after for 11 years?  We found it, while living and giving our days to God in El Salvador.  We want more of that.  Much, much more. Now our dream is that when we stand before God some day, when he asks us if we honored Him with our lives, we will be able to say yes.

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Does going into full time mission work make us someone special? No.  Do we mess up and need to ask forgiveness of people?  We absolutely do. Are we better Jesus followers than anyone else?  Oh good gracious NO!  A million times No.  Our goal is never to be "perfect Christians." Because oh how we will fail and fail and fail at that! It simply means that we want to wake up every single morning, breathe in new grace for our failures and go out to work at what God puts in front of us, one person at a time. Because allowing God to work through us, and to give him Glory, for choosing to use us, is the new dream of this American family.

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